HIS DM REQUESTS COULD KILL A VICTORIAN CHILD.

You see all these disheveled actresses and artists ducking into taxis, makeup smeared, sunglasses on at night, trying to avoid interacting with the mob of people putting a camera in their face. Look what they did to Britney! Look what they did to Amy Winehouse! Eventually it becomes too much. Not for Cooper. 

I’ll start by saying this man kinda had it coming. Not in a hE wAs AsKiNg FoR iT kind of way, because nobody deserves to be the recipient of some of the flagrant messages Cooper has received, but he is certainly very intentional with how he presents himself on Instagram and he also sometimes gets a thrill from how insane some people are toward him so he feeds into it. He has it down to a science: He doesn’t post too often, which cultivates a mystique around him and an anticipation for when he does eventually post, and he engages with his just followers enough to maintain their strong interest in him, allowing them to feel like they know him well enough that they’re empowered to say psychotic shit in his comments and DMs. I’ve been building anticipation toward these two lines, so here they are. The most disgusting DMs I could find. To Cooper’s mother, if you’re reading this, skip over this part. The showstopper: “If you were my stepson I would milk your balls and drain your cock everynight.” Broooo. The encore: “I imagine you have a GF but if you’re ever and Portland and want pussy I volunteer. If you wear briefs I’ll literally do anything you ask.” Those were both sent in the past two weeks. He’s a lot hotter now that he’s a U.S. champ I guess. But holy efffffffffff. I don’t know what else to say. 

I kinda thought it was something that only mostly happens to girls on Instagram, but people sexualize Cooper like crazy. He’s good looking but like cmon. Of course if you go to some hot male celeb’s page the comments are full of sexual remarks (Timothee Chalamet father my children! Robert Pattinson hit me with your car!), but I can’t think of another pro runner who receives it like Cooper does. I could see it happening to Olli Hoare lowkey. Ok fine, it happens to me too!!! Ok fine, it doesn’t happen to me too. 

Cooper’s inbox is a battlefield and he’s the soldier with the tightest fitting uniform. I asked him to break it down for me. What’s really in that inbox? “Mostly random kids want to steal my drip,” he said. A bunch of “Follow me bro”s. “Please bro”s. Apparently a lot of people tell him his life is a “walking dub” when he posts pictures with Rachel but I will only believe that one when I see it with my own eyes. A walking dub? I don’t want to hear it. He said he occasionally gets kids asking for help getting girls. “You got any tips?” What else is in there Cooper? “Old horny dudes.” Ok! He’s only been sent a dick pic one time. (Nobody’s counting but I’ve gotten way more than that from strangers on Instagram.) 

Cole isn’t exempt either. There was this kid in the Discord talking about doing dirty things to Cole and for some reason that felt way skeevier to me. Maybe because he wrote it for an audience of a few hundred and didn’t send it directly to Cole. The public nature of it felt kind of like a humiliation kink, like he had to be seen, perceived, for it to have any kind of effect for him. I’m not sure. Nasty though. 

We went to Chicago in February so Cole and Cooper could try to take down the American Record in the mile. We had our sights on 3:49 low. The meet was a ghost town. Nobody there all day. And then the mile was the final event at like 8 p.m. and these people poured in, filled the stands. It was like they were undisguised in just coming for Cole and Cooper. That was really cool. They didn’t quite get it but people wanted so many selfies afterward. Sign this, sign that. They were even asking me. The measly pacer. I think that was the first time I realized they had fans all over the place. We were so far from Eugene. 

People come up to me and think I’m Cole all the time. They’re like, That’s the guy who beat Centro and ran 3:31 at the Olympics so I have to talk to him. It’s nuts how often it happens. At USAs indoors this year, some guy was like, “You’re the really fast guy from Oregon, aren’t you?” And I said, “Uhhh… Ummm… Maybe?” I kinda get it. Blonde guy with long hair tied up in a bun usually. Sometimes Oregon gear. But even when I’m not wearing Oregon stuff, even when I’m not in Eugene, it still happens. If people are coming up to the lookalike this much then how often are they coming up to the real guy? 

Cole doesn’t like all the attention the same way Cooper does. Last summer when he was cornered by the reporter from the Indy Star he just wanted some peace and quiet but instead everybody was in his business. Right befor the Olympics. During the time when he just wants to focus and not have any extraneous stressors. Too bad I guess. You don’t really get to choose that stuff for yourself. The same kind of thing happened this year when he didn’t make the 1500 final at USAs. He was upset, sad, and they were in his face. He walked right through the media zone, said “Pass” to their questions. As he should. I thought it was sick honestly. He doesn’t owe anybody anything. Maybe he feels a responsibility to talk to the kids who idolize him. Because there are a ton. I see those Cole Hocker shushy shirts with American flags all over the place. I can’t go to a meet or a run by myself without kids asking where Cole is. Where’s Cole? Where’s Cole? Just focus on me kids, me, me, me! Uncle Cole is busy.  

Cole has a very charming way of interacting with fans. He tries to make it about them. He asks questions. How’s your season going? Where are you from? How’d you run today? Stuff like that. He’s the opposite of solipsistic in that way. Cooper’s different. He cracks jokes nonstop. When I think of Cooper interacting with fans I think of him just signing stuff. Not that Cole doesn’t. I just feel like Cooper’s got that sharpie in hand nonstop. He races with a little sharpie in his pocket the whole time and whips that thing out when the time comes. 

After Cooper’s legs stopped working and he had to crawl to the finish line at NCAA cross country in the fall fall, my mom texted me immediately asking if his publicist told him to do that. I literally had just shed some tears watching the broadcast and she was already cracking jokes. She sent another text saying aside from winning it’s the best thing that could’ve happened to him. Savage mode but she’s not wrong. I bet most people don’t remember who won the race. They only remember Cooper crawling, like a man dying of thirst in the desert clawing his way to an oasis. 

Cooper Teare is just like me! His legs also stop working at the end of cross country races. Correction: Cooper Teare is just like me! He gets DMs from horny old dudes on Instagram.